one step forward, two steps back.
i can be a terrible person sometimes.
my momentary lapses of judgement tend to overshadow the rest of me. i also tend to be highly dramatic and over-exaggerate things out of proportion. that accounts for the majority of things.
sometimes, i do stupid things that could, at the very least of my worries, get me in a lot of trouble…
most of the time, it’s because i generally act on impulse and don’t think. i’ve lost loved ones to some of the same horrible choices i make more often than anyone should.
but before you continue to place judgement on me that i deserve… i need to share a story that’s been irking me my entire life. i’m not asking for praise or pity or ANYTHING… just a moment to hear me out.
i should point out, as a disclaimer, that things beyond this line are a bit depressing. so stop reading NOW if you don’t like that.
i’ve seen and heard some pretty nasty things that should sway a person into doing the right thing.
most recently, a friend crashed his motorcycle into a tree after a night out. he walked away with a broken leg and it could’ve been a lot worse… i’ve lost a different friend to a driver that was high on cocaine. and another was in an accident coming home from work when a drunk driver went the wrong way down a one way.
i’ve also heard a story in passing about how my uncle, who is blind in one eye from a childhood injury, was in an accident that involved alcohol (and perhaps amphetamines) that killed his best friend in rural greece.
and my godfather’s brother has also done (and gotten away with) some pretty horrible things while intoxicated.
it’s no secret in my family that alcohol is a sign of… i don’t know… pride? and i grew up with stories of grandiose drunk driving incidents and exaggerated drunk stories where no one ever got hurt and had an amazing time and blahblahblah. i learned to be able to hold my liquor. it’s a stigma on my family that has been making me sick the past few months… yet i somehow still end up playing into this stigma.
but the worst of it, that should’ve deferred me from ever ending up where i am right now… someone who naively follows in the terrible footsteps of those in my family before me…
when i was a toddler, a drunk driver nearly killed me.
i’ve heard the story so many times in passing growing up that it doesn’t bother me as much as it should. i try not to think about it… which honestly makes me incredibly stupid. it’s just something my family NEVER discusses. it’s never just brought up, and i’ve refused to ask… relying only on stories and photos of a story i’ve never publically completely told to the best of my memory until now. yes, i’ve been curious about what happened and it’s been in the back of my mind every single time i’ve driven drunk… but i’ve been stupid and done nothing but make stupid decisions.
twenty years ago, a little over a month from now, it was 1989.
george bush the elder was president and the berlin wall had just fallen.
i was a few days over two years old and had started walking shortly before. he was an elderly man, in his late seventies, who was way too old to be driving in the first place… and incredibly intoxicated on top of it. the story goes that i was running in excitement across the street to my dad’s car to go to the lake, as toddlers always do. halfway across the street, the elderly man nearly hit me. my dad blocked the elderly man’s car from hitting me, except for catching the back of my shoe and leaving it lodged in his front tire…. and in the process, permanently crippling my dad’s arm and perhaps my family.
the story gets really blurry from there. my brother had just been born and a blue pacifier has creeped its way into the story. i’m not sure how, but there’s a picture of it lying on the cold early november ground. perhaps my mom dropped it running to me and my dad. i don’t know. this photo gives me nightmares once in a while. a single, blue pacifier just sitting there in the middle of the street. that is the photo.
my earliest memory, and perhaps one that is highly fabricated from second-hand accounts of those around me (doctors, parents, those who came to visit in the aftermath), is sitting in the ER of st luke’s hospital in bethlehem refusing a lollipop. the white walls and the smell of which i hate to this day… begging to go home in my babbling mix of greek and english words i’d heard.
that is my earliest memory. nothing grandiose or beautiful. but sitting in the freaking ER refusing a lollipop after a drunk old man nearly killed me.
toddlers do not refuse lollipops.
i’ve only ever been allowed to see the police photos once in my life, about ten years ago. i refuse to describe them right now, as i’ve blocked them out of my mind.
now, what became of the old man?
obviously, he is now long deceased. he was nearly eighty when this happened and would’ve been about 100 today. i read in the paper a while ago, years ago, that he died naturally in his sleep from old age. do i resent what he did to my life before it even started? perhaps. but what’s the point in that? is resentment going to change the past twenty years? NO.
the judge ruled that it was discrimination to his old age to throw him in jail for nearly killing four people (and i believe a baby on the way that ended up being a miscarriage?). he was given a speeding ticket and let go. that’s it. slap on the wrists, enjoy the rest of your life.
we all know what happened to mine. family went on welfare, had to resort to food stamps until i was in about second grade… dad obviously had to stop working as a painter, and continues to recieve a disability check from the government to support us and himself. while he stopped drinking nearly entirely soon after that day, he abuses the hell out of his prescriptions and pain meds. he blames me for all of this. for being a dumb BABY. and has used it as justification to physically and mentally torture me. i resent him for this, but also somehow feel guilty for having not known any better than to run in the middle of the street.
i’ve chosen to be blind and block these images from my mind. they’re horrifying and i do not wish the sight of them on anyone.
instead of re-thinking these choices, i continue to make them and the cycle continues. and for what? this stupid ‘bad boy’ image of mine (which is INCREDIBLY stupid)? my heritage? this ‘i’m not going to ever let anyone walk all over me again’ notion? to prove that i am not the old man that nearly ended my life before it started?
what’s the point of any of that if those around me could get hurt?
i can do better than that. i have nothing to prove to anyone. so why the hell do i continue to mess up?
maybe i’ve just been completely desensitized to the consequences of the choices i’ve made because of where i came from and what i’ve seen. am i perhaps trying to block what i’ve seen out of my mind?
so when you tell me that i do not know the effects of driving under the influence, believe me i do. i know full well, first-hand, the consequences of my actions. and believe me, i resent myself more than you’ll ever know.
i’ve driven under the influence twice since april. that’s considerably less than what i use to, as i’ve made the smarter decisions to walk or ride my bike or NOT DRIVE in the first place, or just crash at a friends’, more often than not. a step in the right direction.
but it’s still twice too many.
it still doesn’t make a damn thing right and i owe a major apology to the entire frigging world.
but why apologize for such a potentially grave mistake when i can just… insist on not making it ever again?
i’ve been given way too many second chances that too many people have not gotten.
i’ve become the total idiot that i always dreaded becoming.
last night, i took a step in the right direction only to take two backwards. seems to be a pattern with me… i’m getting better at breaking it… but i’m not there yet. i can see myself being there very soon though. the older i get, the easier it is becoming to actually THINK.
it’s not funny, amusing or brilliant by any stretch… and i am quite ashamed of myself for this.
but the only thing i can do right now is learn from this experience and not repeat it ever again.
as part of this continuing effort to make a better life for myself and those around me, by all means… take my keys away if i’m driving and have more than one or two beers in a short amount of time. i won’t be mad at you in the slightest and will be thanking you in the long run. i know i can have a good time sober as well if i’m just surrounded by amazing people. i’m also, for the most part, not smoking anymore. another step in the right direction.
and if i’m having a lousy day and insist on drinking for that reason and that reason alone: STOP ME. i’ve gotten better at stopping myself over the years, but i can be even better than that.
everyone loves a good party once in a while, but why ruin everything by bad judgment?
i’m generally a decent person, but i’m a horrible person when it comes to judgment.
when it all comes down, i’m young and incredibly stupid when it comes to matters of life and death.
i want to be known and present myself as a person who’s overcome the societal limitations placed on me for being a minority… for being a first generation greek-american and a bilingual… for being a gay woman… for being the second on both sides of the family to get a college degree…. for being educated and a musician and an activist…. for being a positive influence on those around me… for rarely thinking of myself when others are involved. (boy have i messed up and become a major contradiction)
NOT for being a drunk/drunk driver, addict (unless you count music as an addiction) , party person and generally absolute SCUM.
i know what i’m about to say sounds pretty cliche, but for the past few hours, i’ve thought back to the pledge i took when i joined my fraternity as inspiration. sometimes inspiration comes from the craziest places…
i proudly belong to a service fraternity and consider it one of my best recent decisions… i took a pledge to be a better person and serve my community and to make the world a better place. i’ve clearly failed at that.
our toast song has a lyric that reads ‘daily working, daily striving ever more to be’… i think it’s a good motto to live by.
kids look up to me as a role model.
i need to start acting like one for their sake.
perfection is impossible.. but i can surely try to be a hell of a lot better.
i think my biggest motivation will be putting myself in the place of that old man twenty years ago… who nearly killed a two year old child. i seem to have lost sight of that the past few years.
it’s time to think before i ever do anything that stupid and naive again.
September 5th, 2009 at 2.32pm
Well said. I wish you strength, not luck, in your journey.